Phantom Pains
by Kaleidoscopic Panda Bear
Summary: "Oh, and Dr. Banner?" Again, that British, robotic voice broke into Bruce's mind. "Hmm..?" was the only hummed reply. "Happy birthday, sir." Bruce's eyes flew open and he sat up like a bat out of hell, glaring daggers at the far wall like it was JARVIS himself. "No!" he muttered weakly, pressing his face into his hands.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

It was a tough thing to do; waking up. It was never an enjoyable thing. As his eyes fluttered open, Bruce groaned inwardly. He could already feel it in his bones- it was not going to be a good day. He laid in bed for what seemed like forever, staring blankly up at the ceiling as the clock on the bedside table ticked on.

He was soon broken out of his reverie, though, as JARVIS' robotic voice broke into his head. "Banner, sir?" The AI almost sounded reproachful. _Almost. _Bruce heaved a slow, long-suffering sigh. "Yes, JARVIS?" He mumbled. It didn't matter; the AI heard everything. "Would you like me to retrieve Stark, sir? You seem to be in a bit of a slump." Another long-suffering sigh left Bruce's lips as his eyes fell shut again. "No, JARVIS, that's quite alright."

So, he had been right. Tony was having his AI monitor his moods and vitals. How...annoying. "Oh, and Dr. Banner?" Again, that British, robotic voice broke into Bruce's mind. "Hmm..?" was the only hummed reply. "Happy birthday, sir." Bruce's eyes flew open and he sat up like a bat out of hell, glaring daggers at the far wall like it was JARVIS himself.

"Fuck!" he muttered weakly, pressing his face into his hands.

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It was almost an hour and a half later that Bruce managed to drag himself down to the kitchen to make himself some tea. All he wanted to do was sleep, but he knew that wasn't going to solve anything. And neither was crying. He quietly sniffed, trying to hold back the proverbial flood that he knew was coming. He fucking hated his birthday. He hated his father. He hated the Hulk and himself for being so weak. God, he hated himself.

His eyes were green and pink-rimmed when Natasha wandered into the kitchen, looking just about as awake as the walking dead. The second she saw his face, though, she snapped back to reality. "Jesus, Bruce, are you okay? Where's Tony?" For some reason, that only served to piss him off. Not enough to hulk-out, but still pissed him off.

"Why the hell does everyone seem to think that I'm so dependent on Tony?!" He snapped back at her, regretting it almost instantly. He hung his head at the wary expression, placing his palms flat on either side of his tea cup. "I'm sorry. Please, just...leave me be."

He could ignore he fear, but he could not ignore the little voice in the back of his head, answering his own question. _'Because I am.'_

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Not even three cups of tea and a bowl of mixed fruit could calm his nerves. He didn't know why he thought Science could. But, nonetheless, he found himself in the lab, firing up the computer and data systems and waiting for something, anything, to happen, so he had an excuse to break down and cry. Or hulk-out, whichever came first. It didn't happen.

For the umpteenth time, Bruce sighed, the screens before him lighting up and displaying multiple graphs, charts, long paragraphs explaining information, and numbers, complicating everything even more. But he couldn't seem to find the motivation to even begin to work on anything. He pulled the small stool over to the nearest counter, sitting down and resting his elbows on the stainless steel. His fingers found his hair, running through the brown curls soothingly for a few seconds, before tugging harshly and making the slight headache turn into a pounding mess.

He could feel it coming; the wave of depression. Hopelessness. Panic and fear and pain. His heart fluttered in his chest before giving an aching leap and speeding up dangerously. The tears began to fall, but he knew he wasn't at risk of losing control. So, he let himself cry. He put his head down and sobbed quietly into the crook of his own arm, lost in the memories of his condemned childhood.

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	2. Chapter 2

_**(He could feel it coming; the wave of depression. Hopelessness. Panic and fear and pain. His heart fluttered in his chest before giving an aching leap and speeding up dangerously. The tears began to fall, but he knew he wasn't at risk of losing control. So, he let himself cry. He put his head down and sobbed quietly into the crook of his own arm, lost in the memories of his condemned childhood.).**_

When Tony walked into the lab, Bruce was silent and deep in concentration, the lyrics of an AWOLNATION song enveloping the distressed man and giving him slight comfort as he tried to work. His eyes were still red and puffy from crying, but the colour wasn't a solid green. More of a swirl between emerald and chocolate brown. Tony liked the combination, even if it meant that something was wrong with Bruce.

He cleared his throat, watching as the man in front of him jumped violently and sent papers flying with his flailing. "Jesus, big guy," Tony started with a laugh, "Bit jumpy today?" The billionaire sidled right up to the counter, leaning an elbow on it and glancing up at the ever-silent Bruce. He frowned.

"Hey, Bruce, you okay?" The other's eyes opened slowly, not acknowledging Tony's presence as his trembling hands began to straighten and sort through the jumbled papers again. His name was said once more, with an added hand on his shoulder, turning him slightly so he was forced to look at Tony. "You alright, man?" _'Ha,' _Bruce thought, _'That should be my name. You Alright Man.'_

He shook his head to clear the thoughts away, finally meeting Tony's eyes. "I will be." The song faded, but the next one never began. JARVIS must have stopped the CD. _Fuck. _Bruce watched with (a) melancholic bemusement as Tony tried to find something to say. "Well, anyway, happy birthday," he said slowly, watching as Bruce cringed and turned away from him.

He sighed. "I know you don't..._like _your birthday, per say, but hear me out." He waited until Bruce turned back towards him, one eyebrow raised quizzically. Tony smiled. "Tonight. 9:00, penthouse. Be up there. Bring anything you want that _does not_ pertain to work," he paused for a breath, holding up his hand when Bruce began to protest. With another wicked smile, he continued. "And dress comfortably. Pajamas, Jeans, whatever. I won't be dressed up, either, so don't worry." He walked away with a little wink, letting his friend dwell on it.

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He really couldn't do it anymore. Before he snapped and lost it, Bruce decided to get out of the lab and go get ready for whatever Tony was planning. It was already 7:30; he had wasted the whole day down in the lab, trying to avoid people and stay calm. It had worked for the most part, except for when he accidentally tipped the chemicals he had just mixed, spilling acid on his lab coat and having to strip himself of his shirt, as well.

Tony was alerted by JARVIS, again, and by the time the billionaire got down to his friend, Bruce was shivering and huddled in the corner of the lab, singing lightly to himself in Italian:

"_Grazie, amico mio..." (**"Thank you, my friend..."**) _An silent sob wracked the man and the song halted. _"Per essere li per me, Di nuovo..." (**"For being there for me, again..."**)_ Tony understood naught; he'd never learned Italian, having chosen to take Russian, instead. But he understood some.

"_Mi dispiace io sono come-" (**"I'm sorry I'm such-"**) _Another falter as Bruce's voice wavered, hitched, then fell into place again. _"Un treno relitto, un pasticcio..." (**"A train wreck, a mess..."**) _Tony wasn't making any move towards the other; he simply crouched, a shirt slipping through his fingers, listening to Bruce sing brokenly into the crook of his own arms.

"_Sei sempre bloccato raccogliere i pezzi; Vorrei poterlo fare basta dargliun periodo di riposo..." (**"You're always stuck picking up the pieces; I wish I could just give it a rest..."**) _The shirt fell to the ground, causing a wave of air to rush up and hit Bruce, making him shiver even worse and look up. He blushed when he realized Tony had gotten so close without his knowledge, the song having been forgotten as they glanced away from each other.

Bruce reached for the shirt and tugged it on silently, his usual smooth motions jerky and halting. Not a word passed between them. Finally, Tony glanced back at Bruce and cleared his throat. "So, what does that song mean?" he asked quietly. Just as subdued, Bruce answered, "...Thank you. It means thank you."

Tony didn't quite believe him, but left him to his own without further questioning. Bruce really was thankful, though.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Bruce reached for the shirt and tugged it on silently, his usual smooth motions jerky and halting. Not a word passed between them. Finally, Tony glanced back at Bruce and cleared his throat. "So, what does that song mean?" he asked quietly. Just as subdued, Bruce answered, "...Thank you. It means thank you."**_

_**Tony didn't quite believe him, but left him to his own without further questioning. Bruce really was thankful, though.**_

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8:50 hit and Bruce was feeling incredibly awkward. He had dressed in simple dark jeans and a tank-top underneath a dark purple hoody; a far cry from his usual semi-formal wear. Fixing his glasses on his face for what felt like the thousandth time, Bruce gave himself a once-over in the mirror. He decided that he looked like a high school douche bag. He decided that he didn't care.

On his way up to the penthouse, he stopped by the main kitchen and made himself a cup of tea again. Stave, who was sitting at the table, didn't question his teammate's casual look. He simply gave Bruce a friendly nod of his head, sipping his coffee and flipping the pages of the newspaper as he read. As he exited the room, Bruce politely mumbled, "Evening, Cap'n." Even if he felt no need to socialize, the physicist could not forget his manners.

As he got into the elevator leading up to the highest floor, his mind kicked into overdrive and he began to worry. Taking a sip of his tea and nibbling on his bottom lip, Bruce could only watch as the floor number grew higher and higher. He hated elevators. Finally, a ding resounded through the small transport box and the doors slid open.

The penthouse floor was practically pitch black, making Bruce hesitate before stepping out of the elevator. As soon as the doors slid shut behind him, though, the ceiling lit up with a live-feed of the stars, making the physicist jump a little, but smile. Tony came up behind him from seemingly nowhere, announcing his presence by clearing his throat. Bruce turned, eyes drawn to the light showing through Tony's band T-shirt (it was Metallica, by the way) from the Arc Reactor, smile widening.

"Tony, what-" He cut himself off, a chuckle making its way out of his mouth as he shook his head. "Movie night, big guy. But first, I wanna show you something." He forced Bruce to set the cup of tea down, dragging him to the center of the room and pulling him down into a laying position like an over-excited five year old.

"JARVIS, continue roaming, please," "Roaming in progress," the British AI shot back. The stilled stars began to move, the satellite imagery connected to JARVIS flying through space to its destination. Suddenly, the stars fell away to dead space. Bruce furrowed his brow in confusion. Just as he was about to speak up to ask Tony what he was supposed to be seeing, the dead space gave way to a beautiful feed of the galaxy.

And even though he'd seen these types of pictures before, this was the clearest he'd ever seen it. And it was; it was beautiful. He felt as if the breath had been pushed out of his chest as he saw the world spiral, feeling almost surreal as he watched Tony's hand reach up to the ceiling, as if to touch the world.

_'Oh, but he has. He's touched the world, and he doesn't even know it,' _Bruce thought. And for some reason, his eyes misted over. Tony was a hero; Bruce was not. He never was and never would be. All he'd ever be was a monster. Bruce closed his eyes against the painful memories, trying to ignore the beginnings of a headache coming on.

Suddenly, he found his vision to be blocked by Tony's face; the man's fingers drumming on his cheek, the contact having caused him to open his eyes again. "Dr. Banner," Tony began, a teasing note in his voice, "You of all people should know that over-thinking ruins the best of things." The hand patted his cheek again as the other helped him into a sitting position.

"Now! Onward to movie night!" In no-time flat, Tony was up and moving across the floor, the Arc Reactor lighting his way to a full shelf lined with movies, old and new, yet all on Blu-ray. Bruce didn't have time to question how Tony had known he was upsetting himself; he just barely managed to convince his friend to stay away from the cheesy horror flicks as it was.


	4. Song and Extras

**Disclaimer: I totally own this. No seriously though I made it up specifically for this story and translated it so back the fuck off. Thanks. :3 On another note, underneath the song are some funny little puns and references that I made throughout the story that you might have missed. Check them out if you want!**

_Grazie, amico mio_

_Per essere li per me, _

_Di nuovo..._

_Mi dispiace io sono come-_

_Un treno relitto,_

_Un pasticcio..._

_Sei sempre bloccato_

_Raccogliere i pezzi;_

_Vorrei poterlo fare_

_Basta dargliun periodo di riposo..._

_Mi chiedo perche_

_Non hai cresciuto male-_

_Della mia costante_

_Bisogno della vostra azienda;_

_i miei numerosi errori..._

_Ma io veramente fare..._

_Lo apprezzo;_

_La vostra mancanza di assenza_

_Della mia vita._

_Ho paura,_

_Se non fasse stato per voi_

_Vorrei essere circondato da_

_Constante agitazione_

_i e di lotta._

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_Thank you, my friend,_

_For being there for me_

_Again..._

_I'm sorry I'm such-_

_A train wreck,_

_A mess..._

_You're always stuck_

_Picking up the pieces;_

_I wish I could_

_Just give it a rest..._

_I wonder why_

_You've not grown sick-_

_Of my constant_

_Need of your company;_

_My numerous mistakes..._

_But I truly do..._

_I appreciate it;_

_Your lack of absence  
From my life._

_I'm afraid,_

_If it wasn't for you,_

_I would be surrounded by_

_Constant turmoil_

_And strife..._

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PUNS/REFERENCES, CH. 1:

"_...He could already **feel it in his bones**..." - _The song I was listening to while writing this chapter was called "Feel It In My Bones" by Tegan and Sara. Just a random fact. :)

"_...looking just about as awake as **the walking dead.**" _- Zombie show on AMC. If you don't know what it is, you need to watch it some time.

PUNS/REFERENCES, CH. 2:

"_...the lyrics of an **AWOLNATION** song..." - _In my headcannon, Bruce is a fan of the band AWOLNATION. The song(s) I was thinking of here was "Kill Your Heroes"/"Jump On My Shoulders" by them.

And of course, the whole song thing, but that's located above.

PUNS/REFERENCES, CH. 3:

"_...Tony's band T-shirt (it was **Metallica**, by the way)..." _- Obvious enough.

"_...with movies, old and new, yet all on **Blu-ray...**" _- Also obvious enough.

Just thought you guys would enjoy that, and have a nice day! Story's done for now, unless I make a sequel.


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